I don’t have it all together

Today, my relationship with my future wife ended. It was not on good terms. It was amicable. But the reason that it was over is because I screwed up.

I love hard. And because I love hard, I have a tendency to smother. I have a tendency to throw 100% in from jump street. and At the beginning, she was throwing 100% in, too. Then, the time came and she left to pursue a degree.

When she first arrive, I was the only person she talked to. I tried to maintain the full force of an “in person” relationship via correspondence, and it was working. Until she started getting friends. Suddenly, I was less a part of her life. Then, still lesser. Then, still lesser.

I interpreted that as rejection and abandonment. As a sign that something was wrong with our relationship. (I realize that was completely wrong now — hindsight is 20/20) So I went in the what is known as hero mode. I felt the need to stomp out every fire before it grew too big. Little did I know I would stomp out the fire of her heart.

I had a list of rules for the relationship that seemed benign to me. Things like

  • Don’t be petty (#8)
  • Do NOT lie (#1)
  • PDA is encouraged (#5)
  • and Always Pray (#9)

Not bad right? But restrictive. It got to the point where I felt controlling. Because we never talked about her feelings except on rare occasions (Though I asked more often than she told), I couldn’t see the effect this was having on her until it was too late.

Somewhere midway through the time we’ve been together, she decided she was putting too much into the relationship and so completely shut down emotionally. At that point i was oblivious to her emotional shutdown and so we continued through the motions culminating in one bad incident (although there were several bad incidents along the way.

On Thursday, we made plans for a date night – long distance style. I asked her for a date night and she said okay. I wanted to do it later that day, but she had something to do. Same for Friday. On Saturday she was hanging with her friends. Okay cool. Then I ask about Sunday night, and we set up a date. Sunday, 8pm.

I began to make preparations. I realized i had to Go out of town so everything was set beforehand The logistics were taken care of. Everything was perfect.  Then, I went Friday, and Saturday excited. As we talked I reminded her of our “date.” I told others. I was so excited. At about 11pm on Saturday night, we spoke for the last time before the big day and I again reminded her of our commitment.

Saturday night, I sleep peacefully. Sunday morning, I drove out of town, spent the precious few hours at my destination and then returned to my home. I arrived back at at around 7pm on Sunday evening.

I tried calling her, but no answer. I figured she was getting ready or eating or something, and so I texted her at 7:08pm. “Hey baby, I made it home safe K. I just wanted to talk to you. Don’t forget our date starts at 8pm.”

I straightened up a few things and waited by the phone. * o clock came and went. At around 8:15 I called her. And she picked up the phone. By now i was a little concerned. and i heard a television in the background.

We exchanged pleasantries. and I asked what she was doing.

“Watching TV,” came the casual reply.

“Alone or with people?” I asked

With people. and she proceeded to name about 6 others who were in the room with her.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”


What is supposed to happen tonight?

“I don’t know”

“This is Sunday night, you don’t remember what we were supposed to do together?”

“No, what?”

“Tonight was supposed to be date night and it was supposed to start at 8pm”

“Oh, I forgot.”

“Well,  are we still going to have date night, or are you going to watch TV with your friends?”

“I’m going to watch TV with my friends”

“Oh, Oh well ill leave you to it. But just so you now I’m very hurt and disappointed.”

“Okay.” Click.

I was sooo hurt. I gave up.

10 minutes after the conversation I texted her. “Just so you know, I’m so hurt and disappointed.”

“Okay if that’s how you feel” she replied.

I, wounded as I was, unleashed a torrent of texts:
8:33 PM “How would you feel if you planned a date with me, showed up to pick me up. Had everything prepared and I told you I forgot about the date like it was no big thing.”
8:33 PM “I’m done trying. We will talk every day and that’s it.
8:34 PM However else the long distance part of this relationship works. It won’t be with my help.” 
8:35 PMWe will call and text, because every time I try to do more it gets thwarted aborted or discarded.”
 8:35 PMAnd every time I try to be understanding.” 
8:35 PMBut today, I’m over here excited.”
8:36 PMI’m telling people that I’m going to have a date night with my girl.”
8:36 PMI’m deciding movies. I was even going to dress up via skype.”
8:36 PMAnd you forgot.
8:37 PM “So yes I’m hurt. And disappointed.”
I called one of my best friends, who told me to relax, and just back up from her a little. I told them about how I felt, about the number of times it happened. She told me to let my girl take over the planning part. I told her i felt abandoned.
I text my girl.
9:02 PM. “Call me when your show is over we need to talk.
She called me at approximately 9:56pm
The conversation was hard on me. She dropped the bomb about emotionally vacating the relationship. I tried to explain. I tried to save us. She said that we were too far gone to be salvageable. She said that she just needed to step back and evaluate whether or not we should be together. She wasn’t sure if this was what she wanted anymore and  that she fell out of love with me. Then she ended it. At 12:00am Sunday night/ Monday morning, I was officially single.
I asked her if we could pray. She prayed a beautiful prayer for me and I prayed my hardest for her. And the conversation ended in peace.

I talked to my best friend and she said that I needed to have gave her space to be at college. I talked to another one of my best friends and she seconded. I talked to her best friend at school who had become my friend, and she agreed as well.

I smothered her. I tried too hard to maintain the relationship like she had never left the city. And once she found freedom there she didn’t need me as much, and I didn’t know how to handle it. So I tried to make a relationship despite the distance and it backfired.

Ladies and Gentleman, I was wrong.

I write this to inform you that I don’t have it all together. That the collar doesn’t make me infallible. that i will fall off of whatever size pedestal you put me on. I am not God. I’m barely man.

I got in the shower and began to worship God. And as I was worshiping God revealed some of my character flaws to me.

He told me

  • Today mediocrity is not an option
  • S.O.E. into your Life. (Spirit of Excellence)
  • Live in the Present, Live in the Presence
  • If something is wrong, pray first
  • Give her space when she’s away. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
  • Be a leader. But lead by example first.
  • Rely on God first, and let him guide your plans.
  • The first mark of a good counselor is listening. The second is application.

Among other things. I went to bed refreshed in the spirit. And God reminded me of his promise that she will one day be my wife. And i began to rejoice and praise him.

The road ahead will be slow, and for me torturous. But with God’s grace we will make it. We will survive. And we will grow stronger, together.

Keep us in your prayers.


Posted on November 17, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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