So, what have I learned?
Sometimes I forget that this blog is not a platform for me to promote myself. Indeed I can’t because for now I remain anonymous. It makes the transparency easier. But it also makes accountability harder. That why there are people who know who I am that read this log and hold me accountable for what I say.
Last week, i told you that my relationship with my future wife was over. I told you that I smothered her. I said that i learned things. So what have I learned a week later?
I still don’t have it all together.
Sure I’ve preached on marriage and taught on marriage, and helped strengthen others marriages (the credit goes to God) and I would be a great husband. The problem is, she didn’t need a husband.She needed a boyfriend. She needed the relationship to grow to that place not start at that place. Boy am I an idiot.
In the parable of the sower, Jesus says that when the sower was sowing seed, “some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them:” (Matthew 13:7 KJV) In this relationship (this is not an exegesis, this is a parallel.) I was the thorn. I though i was the rose bush, growing along side, but I was the thorn, the curse (remember Genesis 3:18?)
I started backwards. I started at the top and was trying to go to the bottom. I was trying to be married before we even dated. I wanted the world when I hadn’t even conquered my own neighborhood. I was so ahead of my self, i left her behind.
The worst thing is, she tried to tell me. Numerous times. And I felt like I was trying. I was trying. That night she broke up with me I was trying. I was trying to be her boyfriend. I was trying to date. I was trying to have a movie night (that she agreed to!). I was trying to do exactly that. But it was too little too late?
I don’t pretend to understand the mechanics of it all. But I know that I need to come a little higher and get a little lower and figure this thing out. Not for her. Not for anyone. But to become a better man. And maybe, just maybe God has got me in the process, for restoration. If not, He has someone there for me which I had to learn this lesson now to be prepared for later.
Starting thanksgiving I will go through Pastor Craig Groeschel’s Love Song series. If I feel led, I will post my takeaways here. My transparency comes at an expense. That is, it hurts. It is human nature to be secretive. To hide my flaws. To not tell the world. But the counter-intuitive action of exposing myself is counter-intuitive precisely because it kills my flesh and resurrects my spirit to the point where if it wasn’t for this testimony, I will not overcome.Please pray for me.